<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>If Only He Knew... by useless_nerdy_writer</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899054">If Only He Knew...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/useless_nerdy_writer/pseuds/useless_nerdy_writer'>useless_nerdy_writer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album), My Chemical Romance, The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Comic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety Attacks, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kinda Platonic Cuddling, Other, Pining, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, brief angst, kind of, there's some crushing going on here folks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:08:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/useless_nerdy_writer/pseuds/useless_nerdy_writer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Party is tired. They're <em>so</em> tired. But they can't let themself sleep, not until everything about this mission plan is perfect. Ghoul is determined to convince them otherwise.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fun Ghoul/Party Poison (Danger Days)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If Only He Knew...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Here's a silly little fluffy thing I wrote, as I'm sure we're all feeling a bit touch-starved in quarantine. It got a bit angstier than I intended, but whatever. I promise it's still sweet. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was no way that Party was going to let this mission go wrong.</p><p>That’s what they kept telling themselves. After Kobra had gotten shot by a drac on their last run to Battery City, there was no room for mistakes, especially since this was a rescue mission.</p><p>Kobra was okay now, but he had been out of commission for about a week afterwards. And if the drac had aimed its ray gun a couple inches to the right, it woud have hit something vital rather than just his shoulder. </p><p>They went over the plan in their head again. Ghoul and Jet would go in first, Jet disabling the cameras for the holding cell that the ‘joys were being held in, while Ghoul kept look out and distracted the two dracs that would be on duty. </p><p>They looked at the various maps pinned to the wall, squinting to see the street names. Were the maps moving? They blinked slowly, finding it difficult to open their eyes again once they closed them. They let their head rest on their arm, propped on their knee. Everything was fuzzy.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>≪•≫</p>
</div><p>“....wondering if–uh, Party?” said a voice that sounded like Ghoul. They jumped at the hand that was suddenly on their shoulder, opening their eyes. “Wait, were you asleep?”</p><p>“No—I was, uh, just resting my eyes,” they said, blinking their eyes rapidly to try to stop making them feel so heavy.</p><p>“Are you sure? You don’t look so hot.”</p><p>“Excuse you, I always look hot,” Party said, mock-offended. Ghoul smiled slightly, but still looked at them expectantly. “I’m fine, really.”</p><p>“If you say so. Jet was just thinking that—Party?” They realized they had let their eyes close again. Ghoul knelt down to sit next to them. “When was the last time you slept?”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. Are you and Jet still good to go in first?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s the plan—but I’m not answering any more questions about the mission until you answer me. When was the last time that you slept?”</p><p>“I don’t know, must’ve been right before those dracs attacked us?”</p><p>Ghoul gaped at them. “Party, that was two days ago. How are you still functioning?”</p><p>“I do it all the time! Stop looking so concerned, I might start thinking you actually care about me,” Party joked, trying to lighten the mood. Ghoul didn’t laugh.</p><p>“You need to go to sleep, dude.”</p><p>“No I don’t! The headache hasn’t even set in yet. Besides, we still don’t know which room they’re keeping Ultra-Violent in, and I think I can figure it out if I—”</p><p>“Party, we can’t go on this mission until tomorrow night. You won’t be any help to her if you’re falling asleep on your feet by then.”</p><p>“It’s not just about Ultra, though! This has to be perfect. What if we get the drac shifts wrong and you or Jet gets hurt? What if there are S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/Ws that we don’t know about at the holding cell? What if…” Party’s mind started racing. There were so many variables, so many things that could go wrong. And then it would be their fault for messing up the plan again. They started drawing quick circles on their palm with their pointer finger, unable to focus on anything but the storm in their mind. “I can’t sleep, Ghoul. Not until I know we’ll all be okay.”</p><p>Ghoul was silent after that. Then he began softly, “Party, if something goes wrong, it won’t be your fault. None of us—”</p><p>“You know it will be, Ghoul. I’m the leader and if someone gets hurt on my watch, I’m responsible for that, so I need to make sure that it all works out.” They grabbed onto their knees for purchase. They can’t stop thinking, too fast, too loud, too— </p><p>Suddenly there were strong arms wrapping around them. At first, they had the urge to push the arms away, but they squeezed tighter, and everything slowed down a bit. Party could breathe again. They still couldn’t hear very well, but they were pretty sure Ghoul was whispering something in their ear. They let their eyes stop squeezing shut and let them just stay closed.</p><p>“Just breathe, okay?” Ghoul whispered. Party nodded. They could do that. When Ghoul breathed in, they did too. “Relax your shoulders.”</p><p>Party didn’t know how long they stayed like that, breathing in tandem. Ghoul shushed them and murmured words of comfort, and whenever their breathing started to quicken, he inhaled deeply, silently reminding Party of what to focus on. His hand rested atop Party’s, slowly moving back and forth over their knuckles. They were safe now.</p><p>When Party had forgotten all about the mission and the panic, Ghoul’s arms loosened and he turned Party around to face him.</p><p>Party broke the silence. “Thank you, Ghoul.”</p><p>“You’re welcome. You gonna sleep now?” he asked, a small smile playing across his lips.</p><p>Party considered it. They still didn’t want to give up on the plan, but they couldn’t work in this state. If they just rested for a little while…</p><p>“Can we sit outside for a while? I think I just need to take a break.” Ghoul looked unsure, but eventually agreed. He helped Party to their feet and opened the gas station door to the desert.</p><p>Party had always loved the desert at night. It always seemed so quiet. Even if dracs attacked or if they had to move in the dead of night before BL/ind caught up with them, it always felt more peaceful. And the stars were beautiful. Nothing like they were when they had lived in the city, so many years ago. There were no bright lights anywhere, no tall buildings that made them feel closed in, just darkness and open skies that made you feel like life was limitless.</p><p>“Hey, Party, should I grab a blanket?” whisper-yelled Ghoul from the door, startling Party out of their trance. They did feel a bit shivery in the cool nighttime air.</p><p>“Could you grab the blue one?” Party whisper-yelled back at him. There were blankets at every killjoy base, as it did get cold in the desert at night. This was one of the downsides of the desert. It was blazing hot during the day, but as soon as the sun went down, the cold seemed to bite at every bit of skin left exposed.</p><p>Ghoul came out, holding some pillows and the blue blanket that reminded Party of nights they had spent huddled up with Jet during their first years in the deserts, clutching ray guns close in fend off any halo-head gangs or dracs that decided to show up. As terrifying as those years had been, thoughts of them were comforting. That was before Party was responsible for every ‘joy that the Fab Four had decided to take under their wings. </p><p>Party knew that life in the desert was dangerous. Everyone who left Battery City knew that they were giving up safety in favor of freedom. Party just wished that it didn’t have to be so dangerous all the time. Sometimes it just felt like everything was spiraling out of control and there was absolutely nothing they could do to stop it… </p><p>“Party, I can hear you freaking out from here,” Ghoul said, slowly putting an arm around Party’s shoulder. “You’re okay. We’re okay. We’re going to get through this, yeah?” Party didn’t say anything. They didn’t feel okay. They felt fucking <em>awful</em>. How could they lead everyone when they were freaking out over a simple rescue mission and supply run?</p><p>“Can you hold me?” Party asked quietly. </p><p>“C’mere,” Ghoul said, opening his arms just to wrap them around Party tightly, then resting his head on Party’s shoulder. <em>How is Ghoul such a good cuddler?</em> Party knew it sounded strange, but there was something about the way that Ghoul held them that felt so tender and special and loved. They knew Ghoul didn’t mean it that way, but sometimes it felt nice to pretend.  </p><p>They sat like that for a while in comfortable silence, looking up at the star-filled sky and the crescent moon.</p><p>“Party, look!” Ghoul said, pointing up with his left hand. Party looked in that direction just in time to see a shooting star flash across the sky. “Y’know, in some of those books I read, it said that people used to make wishes when they saw those.”</p><p>“Do you believe in that stuff?” Party asked. This was getting a bit too close to talking about spiritual shit, which put them on edge a bit. They’d never really believed in the Phoenix Witch or anything like that. They trusted their crew, and that was it. But they still liked to hear Ghoul talk about it.</p><p>“It’s nice to believe, isn’t it?”</p><p>“So what’d you wish for?”</p><p>“That’s another thing. I can’t tell anyone, or else it won’t come true.”</p><p>Party laughed a bit at that. “If it ever comes true, will you tell me?”</p><p>Ghoul smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, I will.” They sat in silence for a while longer. It was moments like these that convinced Party that they were never going back to the city. Moments of calm and bliss that could never happen under the watchful eye of BL/ind. </p><p>Suddenly, Ghoul broke the silence. “I missed this. Being close to you, that is. Everything’s so chaotic, I feel like there’s not a lot of time where we just get to be <em>us</em>, y’know?”</p><p>“That’s gay, Ghoul.”</p><p>“Shut up, Poison, I’m trying to be endearing.” They giggled. If only he knew how true their previous statement was. “But as much as I miss that, I’m also in awe of how much shit you do. Seriously, the motivation that you instill in all those kids who are just getting out of the city…you amaze me.”</p><p>“Thanks, Ghoul. That—that means a lot.” Ghoul nodded silently, and the two just sat like that, breathing in tandem.</p><p>Interactions like this with Ghoul were always a bit bittersweet. Yes, Party loved them, but there was also this strange ache they felt in their chest because they knew this was the closest they would ever get to having Ghoul in the way they wanted to. It was heaven and hell at the same time, making them want to smile until their cheeks hurt and cry at once. They’d spent far too many nights whispering to Jet about how <em>annoying</em> it was when Ghoul would play with their hair, because then their heart would start beating too quickly and their face would feel hot and everything was just— </p><p>“Party?” Ghoul whispered.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I just thought you should know that…I mean, I really…” Ghoul seemed to be sputtering a bit. </p><p>“What is it?” Party knew they shouldn’t get their hopes up. Ghoul would never like them. He couldn’t. But they couldn’t help the way their stomach twisted as he prepared to speak. </p><p>“I just—I never want anything to ever change between us,” Ghoul said. <em>Oh</em>. Party knew they shouldn’t have gotten hopeful, but that didn’t stop the pang of disappointment from shooting through their chest like a ray-gun blast. “I want us to always be able to trust eachother and talk like this. I want to know that we’ll always be here for eachother.”</p><p>“Of course, Ghoul. I’ll always be here for you.” Party held in a sigh. If only he knew how far Party would go for him.</p><p>As much as Party felt they shouldn’t take advantage of Ghoul’s friendship as they were, they couldn’t bring themself to push him away. So they stayed in Ghoul’s arms, letting him hold them as the world faded away.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>≪•≫</p>
</div><p>Party awoke with a start. They expected to feel the hard ground that they usually ended up collapsing on, but instead they felt cushions. They were on the couch, the blue blanket carefully tucked around them and keeping them warm. </p><p>They looked to the wall beside them. There was a note pinned there.</p><p>
  <em>Hey sleepyhead. You fell asleep outside, so I took it upon myself to carry you here. I won’t say I told you so, but… </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Anyways, come out back when you’re ready to start going over the plans. Jet and Kobra helped narrow down the places where they might be keeping Ultra, so now all we need to do is review. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Next time you need to cuddle, all you have to do is ask :)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>-Ghoul♡</em>
</p><p>Party’s heart fluttered at that. A heart next to a name made their heart flutter. They let out a small, slightly bitter chuckle, in spite of themselves. They got up, walking outside to join the others. <em>If only he knew</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!! Please comment/leave kudos if you enjoyed :))))</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>